State of the Union

Today, President Obama gears up for the "State of the Union" address, an annual speech that tells about the accomplishments and goals for the future of our country. In thinking about this speech, I'm sure the President will attempt to address some of our largest concerns (employment, education, energy, and the economy - funny that they all start with an "e"). I read somewhere that the public, for the first time in over 15 years, people care more about domestic policy than what happens abroad (a trend I see continuing into the future). People are more focused on the direction of our country and how it affects their personal lives and the things they want for their families. Much of the power for changing those things, however, does not come from legislative action. It comes from within, by making personal changes and choices that will lead us to stronger families and happier lives.

New Year's resolutions should be in full swing for most of us, so it seems a good time to be thinking about our personal "State of the Union". How are you achieving personal success in the areas most important in your own life? Do you need to find another job? Are you interested in going back to school? Do you need to change the direction of any of your relationships? Do you want to get healthier? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO GET THERE?

Now that the holidays have passed, many people forget about the important goals they set for themselves earlier this month. Now is the time to get real with yourself. Write down the goals that you are realistic about. Post them somewhere you will see them often. Break down those goals into smaller "baby steps". Make an appointment to follow up in another month (I write it down on my calendar) to stay on track. If you truly want to be in a different place by the time 2012 ends, keeping your goals in the forefront of your mind is key.

Lies and Liars

No one likes to be lied to, yet we have all lied at some point or another. My deceased step-father, who was a self-proclaimed minister, lied to people all the time. Little "white" lies in his opinion, but aren't all lies still lies? And aren't all people who tell lies considered liars? There are so many motivations to tell lies: to conceal things, to avoid embarrassment, to make someone artificially happy, to escape blame... the list goes on and on. Some lies are told without even lying (called omissions), but if it leads someone to believe something that is NOT true, it is still a lie. One lie turns into another and another, then turns into three more.  I'm sure I am not alone in having gone down that path in my younger days.

I am not going to give any moral or religious reasoning to explain why lying is wrong or bad. I wish life was always black and white, making honesty easy in all situations. I wish I could say I would never, ever lie again. But, that is not reality. I'm sure I will eat food I don't like, but consume it happily and thank the cook for an excellent meal. I know I will call into work sick someday when I just need a day for rest and relaxation. I know I will say 'I'm fine' to a friend who asks, when I'm not. These are all lies that I will likely continue saying or doing without much thought.

The flip side is the individual who lives in a separate reality because they have lost track of their many lies. I have known friends and family members like that in my lifetime. They consistently double-talk themselves because they don't even remember what they said yesterday. Unfortunately for those of us, like myself, who have a really good memories, their falsehoods show through with distinct clarity. In my mind, these kind of people are so worried about what others think, they get caught in a spiral of deceit and don't know how to escape. They believe no one will care about them once they are found out. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. It probably depends on what they lied about.

So here's what I can say (since I can only control myself, not others)...I'm making more effort than ever in MY life to be as forthcoming and honest with people as possible. Not necessarily for the ethical implications involved...but be cause it just makes life WAY easier. I don't have to struggle to recall what I said three months ago to someone, because the truth is easy to remember. I would rather avoid a situation altogether than have to figure out how to make up a lie about it. I simply don't have the time or energy to do that sort of thing, nor do I care to foster friendships with people who do. I will continue to lead my life with as much integrity as possible, while being completely realistic about everything. I will make every effort to tell you the truth, and hope you will see the benefit of doing the same -- even if its just to make our already complicated lives a little simpler.

What Do I Know?

I am sure many people who have read this blog have thought, "What the hell does she know? She's no expert!" My response is that I agree with them whole-heartedly. I am no expert in love, life, kids, or the world in general, but I have had many experiences. In my mere 34 years on the planet, I have worn some pretty interesting hats. I have been a little sister and the big sister. I have been a teen mom and a military wife. I have lived in both rural and urban areas. I have moved to places where I knew no one and had to start from scratch. I have had to rebuild my life after a disaster. I have been married and divorced more than once. I have been the child of a divorced/blended family, and now, I am the adult with children in a blended family. I have been a leader and a follower. I know what it feels like to be the custodial and noncustodial parent. I have been homeless after a foreclosure. I have helped raise and love children that were not my own. I have worked in 8 completely different industries, been on unemployment and received welfare. I have had good credit and declared bankruptcy. My life's resume has been one of varied and dynamic experiences. I have made my own path, and that has taken me many places.


The point of this blog is to share my experiences and lessons, in hopes of several outcomes:

1. First, I want the people who know me... to really KNOW me. After the death of my grandmother last year, I realized that you can know someone your whole life superficially. I thought I knew my grandma, but I really didn't. I did not have heartfelt talks about her experiences. I knew the general timeline of her life, but only the one I pieced together through the years. Maybe those missed moments would have made an impact on my life. Maybe they wouldn't have. Regardless, I don't want to go the rest of my life with people only knowing me on the surface. There's much more to me than that. 
2. I hope that my words will be an encouragement. Sometimes people just need to know that wherever they are in their journey, they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings. I have been touched deeply by others' words in my own life, through conversations, music, letters, emails, books, texts, and other blogs. There have been times that those words were a lifeboat for me. I hope that I can do the same for another. 
3. The third outcome I am striving for is to continue to grow and learn as a person. I have received several messages and emails from people regarding their life experiences since starting this blog. I love people in general, from the old man I spoke to at the breakfast counter yesterday to the lady having trouble carrying two kids and groceries I met a few months ago. The encounters and conversations I am lucky enough to have in my life have made me who I am. I never want that to change. 
4. I hope that my choices, will lead someone to make positive change in their life. I have learned many lessons the hard way. Maybe if I tell you about my epic failures in life, you will know what not to do. Maybe if I tell you some good things too, it will give you a good example to follow. 

If my sharing makes a single person really stop and reflect on anything -- than it is a wild success to me. I truly appreciate anyone taking a moment out of their day to read this, and hope you will continue to think it worth your time.

Sometimes Love is Not Enough

I fell in love when I was just a kid in high school, still full of dreams of my own happily ever after. I believed that love alone would carry us through every problem and circumstance. I married my first love less than a year after graduation. Little did I know that we were both in the midst of life-altering changes. For him, it was the beginning of his career with the U.S. Air Force. For me, I was preparing for the birth of our first child. During our time apart (while he was in basic training and technical school), we wrote to each other nearly every day. There was no denying that we loved each other. But sometimes time apart makes people grow apart, even if it is only a little in the beginning.

Shortly after our daughter was born, we relocated to Omaha, Nebraska and lived in military housing. MORE BIG CHANGES. They don't tell you that when your spouse joins the military, you might as well have signed up too. Here I was, spending most of the day learning how to take care of a child and live up the expectation of a dutiful military wife and mother. I didn't even know how to be an adult yet, let alone live up to that! But, I did everything I could. The rules we had to live by seemed endless, especially for two 18-year-olds, but we tried to make it work because we loved each other. 

A couple years of later, our relationship began to feel less like a marriage and more like roommates in passing. He was working one shift, while I was working another. More and more problems kept coming our way. Instead of talking through them, we ignored or argued about them. We were less often on the same page about the big issues in our life. In the end, our marriage failed for a million reasons. Not because we didn't love each other, but because we didn't communicate effectively or continuously work at our relationship. The little problems that went without repair soon became the elephant in the room. We didn't have the same goals or values anymore. We were kids trying to play house without the adult tools necessary to tackle the big stuff of life. We had started down different paths early on, and once that happens, there's no turning back. It's easy to see that now.

Love requires continuous work. You cannot expect that once you "fall in love" -- that's it, no more work. It takes effort. You have to be willing to give and take in all the responsibilities there are, from the most important (like raising children) to the silly or mundane (like taking out the trash). You have to brainstorm how to overcome issues as they arise. You have to really tune into your mate and HEAR what they are saying, but also what they are NOT saying. You have to be honest and open (sometimes the biggest lies are those of omission), but you also have to have a sense of humor about life, because it will not always be easy. You have to love your mate with all your heart, but also truly like them too. You have to be willing to make sacrifices when its necessary. You cannot always have your way, and neither can the other person. It takes partnership of epic proportions, which is why so many relationships come to an end. I was truly fortunate to have found love again a few years ago, but I see things very differently than I did at 16. Sometimes love is simply NOT enough...it takes WAY more than that to develop a long-lasting, happy relationship.

We are ALL the Same Race...

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools." 

~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

We are all the same race...HUMAN. Despite the color of your skin, the basic DNA make-up of your body is the same as every other human in existence.  We are all born, have a life journey, and die. We all want our lives to MEAN something. We all want to be loved and accepted. We all require the same fundamental necessities for survival (air, water, food, and shelter). Despite our similarities, however, there continue to be many turbulent societal issues dealing with race. When one barrier is broken, two more seem to be created.


In reality, it all boils down to respect, something we each deserve from the first cry we make as newborns. We may eat different foods, wear different clothes, have varying beliefs, etc., but that does not make ANY one person better than another. Instead of focusing on what makes us different, we should respect what makes us all the same. It is that simple. 


There are good and bad people of every race, creed, gender, sexual orientation, educational level, religion, political belief, and economic status...that is a FACT.  I choose to befriend good people, regardless of their labels, and I'm teaching my children to do the same. I want them to know there is something that can be learned from every person they meet (even if that lesson is what NOT to do). Maybe I am a dreamer, but I will always believe there is more good in this world than bad, regardless of what the media wants us to think. In the end, we are all interconnected and must all learn to work and live together for the mutual happiness of our common race...humanity.

Superwoman?

Every time someone calls me "superwoman", I have to laugh a little. Yes, I have many responsibilities, but doesn't everyone? One of the questions asked most often of me is how I get everything done. The answer is I DON'T. My house is not perfectly immaculate. My laundry isn't always done. My children don't always eat a 4-course meal for dinner. I allow myself the luxury of imperfection so I can focus on bigger goals for that day. I know I can't do EVERYTHING, and that is okay. Instead, I do what I can.

One way that I set myself up for success by "eating the frog", which means I don't avoid difficult or tedious tasks. When something really needs to be done, I don't make excuses -- I just do it. Sure, there are more enjoyable ways to spend my time than writing that 10-page paper or working with my kids on their multiplication tables or cleaning out the refrigerator, but sometimes those are the things need to be done. Procrastination causes unnecessary stress. Getting important things done makes my life easier in the long run.

I also keep track of when I need to do things. I have an old-fashioned paper planner that I write everything down in. Due dates for bills, kids' activities, work schedules, and even assignments that I need to do are always close at hand. When I have a big task (like that 10-page paper), I break it down into smaller chunks, spread out over a few weeks. It makes that seemingly difficult task much more manageable, and the finished product is better because I did not feel crazed at 2:00 am trying to crank out last-minute quality.

A little bit of organization goes a long way. Allowing yourself some room for imperfection (yes, it is okay if there are dishes in the sink) takes some of the stress off the table. Then, you can focus on doing the things that are most important (which may be reading a story to your child before bedtime instead of doing those dishes). Take one day at a time and EAT THE FROG!

Regret

No one is perfect. We have all said or done something that we wish we could change. I know I have. You could spend your whole life wishing that you had another chance to relive that one moment that changed everything. For a long time, that's all I thought about. I continuously beat myself up for making quick, thoughtless choices or speaking words that ultimately hurt myself or the people around me. As the consequences of those choices set in, it is easy to fall into a downward spiral of self-loathing, depression, and doubt about the future. I've been there too. Rock bottom is a scary place for anyone, but I am a living, breathing example that things can get better if you really want them to be. I have hit that bottom two times in my life, and now realize what I was doing wrong. I blamed others for the things going wrong in my life. Instead of making any changes for the better, I wallowed in self-pity and depression, hoping things would get better on their own. BUT THEY DON'T.

Everyone makes mistakes, but you can't beat yourself up forever. No one is without their faults, which is what makes us human. In order to move on, you have to forgive yourself for the regretful things you have said and the bad choices you have made. That is the most important beginning step.  Next, begin to repair the relationships with the people who you care about most. Everyone needs a support system in this life. You can't do everything alone. Finally, you have to decide what you really want and make a plan. Think of all the things you need to get to there. For me, I wanted to be a teacher my entire life. So, I made the conscious decision to go back to school and achieve that dream. It is not always easy, but I am committed to doing this one thing for myself. I didn't jump in with both feet, but made small, calculated steps to get me closer to my goal.

Regrets only trap you if you let them decide the course of the rest of your life. Making lasting changes (starting small) is the only way to change those bad words and choices into the life you can smile about.

Being Connected

Everywhere you look, people are constantly connected: texting while driving, scanning social media sites while eating, and even reading e-books as a bedtime ritual. While I believe technology is an incredible tool, there is such thing as excess. While sitting with my kids last night in a local restaurant, I noticed something crazy. There were about 25-30 people in the restaurant, however, we were the only ones actually talking. Nearly everyone else in the restaurant was on a cell phone, tablet or computer. The one person who was not holding one of these had the world on mute while listening to his Mp3 player. The thought that people will go out to eat together and not even speak bothers me. What happened to the art of conversation? Will future generations even understand how to sit down and speak about their day over a meal?

As a mom and future educator, I cannot express enough how important it is to be smart about the use of technology. Although there is a definite place for the Internet (and all its spoils) in our lives, there should still be some time in the day where families, couples, and friends can connect without being "connected". There is more to life than technology - there's LIFE. While there are a million apps to manage time, money and things, there will never be one that makes a relationship better.

"Drama-Free" Living

At least once a day, I hear about someone deciding to live "drama-free". Its a funny term really. Our lives are so full of drama: between social networking, relationships, news, texting, television programs, YouTube...there are so many ways we can get completely lost in it. Is there a way to live drama-free? Not really. Since you only have control over yourself and no one around you, the notion is impossible unless you plan on becoming a hermit. BUT, there is still a solution. Decide how YOU will respond to the turmoil. If you decide NOT to let it rule your life, it won't. Simple as that. When things are getting too complicated, take a step away. Turn off the TV, computer, or cell phone and focus on your immediate family (the people you live with daily). If they are the problem, then deal with those issues PRIVATELY - not through other venues which only create a bigger problem for yourself and create drama for others. Taking control of your own life is the best way to create the peace we all crave.

In the Heat of the Moment

All of all choices, both big and small, alter the course of our lives on a daily basis. Unfortunately, many of life's important decisions are made in haste. Anger, fear, or even positive anticipation can cloud reason and judgement. Those are the moments where regretful mistakes can be made. So how do you avoid making decisions based on emotion? Give it a moment. Decide not to decide anything monumental until you've had at least 24 hours (sometimes longer is definitely needed) before proceeding. This could help in many aspects of life: love, money, work, friendships, time management, etc.

Write down the decision that is pressing you. Whether its a large purchase, a career move or having an important talk with a loved one....make sure that you really THINK about it before you act. Make a rule to tell people who want you to make a decision now...that you need to think about it. Then you can look at the situation objectively, when the emotions have subsided and you can see if this decision is in line with your personal goals and values. Making thoughtful decisions about what you want and how you spend your time will keep regret in check.

Getting Out

Sometimes all you need in life in a different perspective to overcome obstacles. Can you do that continuously cooped up in your house? In my opinion, you need to get out and experience life and culture all around you as much as possible. It is possible on a very limited budget. In our city for example, there are dozens of museums and festivals that are free to public throughout the year. Beyond that, there are other opportunities even closer to home. Visit the library or local bookstore to sit and read. Relax with a cup of tea at your local coffee shop. Walk around a local park. Ride on local transportation for a few hours and explore areas of your city that you've never seen. There are thousands of ways to get some time to yourself or be around others. This always provides a different perspective.

Nurturing Relationships

Last year was one of many changes for myself and my family.  http://www.fox2now.com/videobeta/365b4ae4-ac96-448d-a436-ce6abf1349d2/News/St-Charles-residents-cleaning-up-flash-flood-damage (See me in the Illinois t-shirt on the broadcast). After our rental home was flooded, we spend weeks utterly displaced before finally finding a new place to live. During this time, many of our family and friends came out of the woodwork to help us. Needless to say, we made it through and are all relieved to finally have some normalcy back in our lives (though it took many hard months to get here). 

Because of the struggles we faced last year, I realized how little time I spent regularly with many of my friends and family. We all get busy in the day-to-day mundane details of our own life that we rarely find time to nurture those outside relationships that also make life worth living. Communication with the support system of people we love can become reduced to Facebook wall posts, occasional phone calls, or visits on holidays or special occasions. That is no real relationship. One of my personal goals for the new year is to dedicate more time and energy to making sure the people I care about KNOW that I care. This can't be done through mere words. It takes action. So each week of this year, I am going to focus on one person in my life at a time, giving back in some way to those who are near and dear to my heart.

I can't wait to see how dedicating time to nurturing the relationships in my own life changes everything.

The Cans and Can'ts of Motherhood

It seems like I have spent most (almost half) of my life as a dedicated mother. This requires many sacrifices of personal choice. I cannot decide to go on a spontaneous trip to a far-away land. I cannot live anywhere I want because I always have to make sure that a good local school is nearby. I cannot even cook whatever I want to have for dinner each night (unless I want World War III at the dinner table). While there are a long list of "can'ts", there are so many things I would never have experienced without the joy of motherhood. For example, I have learned to do many things more efficiently because of having a crying toddler waiting. I can pack the best suitcase or bag for trips because I know what items I need in a pinch when we are away from home. I can prepare a meal that all seven of the people in my family can enjoy (and that's no small feat).

While there are many "cans" and "can'ts" of motherhood, I don't believe I would grown to be the patient, loving, and diplomatic person I am today without experiencing the joys and pains of parenthood. I wouldn't change my life for anything.

Double Digits...Can it be?

Today, my youngest daughter turns 10...a huge milestone in her life. Her age will now and always be a double-digit number, barring that she lives to be 100+. As her mom, I can't help but reflect on the last ten years of my own life and how things have changed so much since I held that innocent newborn in my arms. When Katelyn was born, I lived in another state, had no prospects of returning to complete my education, and was satisfied in a job that paid well, but did little to challenge my abilities. Today, I am working in the field I always wanted (education - although I am a mere substitute for now) and less than a year from completing my degree. My children are growing, but all the while I have been growing as well. I'm proud of the people we are all becoming. I wonder, what will the next ten years will bring?

Starting Again...

A new year....a new day. Feeling like beginning some new habits, including blogging more often. After dropping my kids off at school today, I am going to eat breakfast and work out. I am in desperate need of a regular schedule and that begins TODAY!