Born in the Wrong Era

I was born in the wrong era. Unlike many women of today, I wish I would have been an adult in the 1940s or 1950s. Nothing would have made me happier than to take care of my home and family -- and that be my defining role. The "June Cleaver" way would have suited me just fine. Life is so much more complicated than it was back then. I enjoy and crave simplicity on a daily basis. Women today have so much more juggling than at that time. Now we are supposed to be incredible moms, devoted wives, room mothers at our childrens' school, well-educated, and driven workers. So many hats to wear, so little time. Most women take on too much and are strung out trying to fulfill all these roles. 

One of the reasons I wish we could all go back to the past is because families were more cohesive in that time also. Since each person in the family had a place (dads worked, mothers stayed home and took on the main responsibility of children and home, and kids just had to be kids), there was a level of consistency and comfort that was present in society. There were fewer divorces and single-parent households. People lived within their means. The simple life with a few creature comforts made most people happy. I love that idea.

Taking a Deep Breath...

When things seem overwhelming, it can be exhausting, especially when it feels like every part of your life has "something" that needs your attention. Personally, I have been going through some big changes in the last year, some for the better...and some that were just change. One thing that I have found very helpful (thanks honey), is talking out my thoughts to my best friend, who also happens to be the man I love. He keeps me grounded in so many ways and gives me another perspective on some of our day-to-day problems.

Since I tend to be a reactor, he recently gave me the advice to just let a few things simmer for awhile. To NOT make any decisions and avoid responding to any negativity that is lingering in parts of my life. Just take a deep breath...and live. This week, I have been focusing on doing just that. I gave myself permission to focus on some things and put some others on the back burner. Don't get me wrong -- I am not avoiding important issues that must be dealt with -- and I definitely haven't forgot about them. But, I'm thinking more clearly and found my smile again this week after having a few days to reflect...and just breathe.

Everyone Needs Quiet Days

My First Love

Music is a common language that breaks down every kind of boundary. I have never known ANYONE who does not like some kind of music. Music connects us. If you are having a hard time finding a place to start with a person...begin with music. Its our universal common ground. I am not a music lover...I am a music ADDICT! Nothing can change my mood faster than some of my favorite songs. It is truly my first love.

I remember dancing around the house with my sisters, blasting the music as loud as possible when my mom was at work. On the way home from weekends at my dad's, we would listen to the "Oldies Show" on the radio. I loved (and still love) listening to my dad sing. I fell in love with singing in front of people when I started singing in church as a child...then again on the high school stage. Music has made me smile, laugh, cry, think, and act. There are a million moments of my life that certain songs bring me back to. Music and I have a love that will never be broken.

The Perfect Mate

When I was a little girl, I had a laundry list of things I wanted my future husband to be. He needed to be rich, handsome, a good father and husband... my very own Prince Charming to come sweep me off my feet. I wanted a love story with a fairy-tale ending. As I became a young woman, my list grew even more to include things like honest, artistic, musical, a good communicator, sensitive, tall, liked to travel, enjoyed the outdoors, nurturing, helped around the house, and a whole host of other "must-have" qualities..... (WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?) Now that I am older, my list is actually getting shorter. I am beyond all those material and physical things that I thought made the "perfect" man and relationship. I have realized that some of the things I thought I wanted really don't matter.

Here is my short list today:

1) Loving/giving to me and my children.

2) Responsible/Trustworthy.

3) Committed.

4) Able to have a two-way, productive conversation.

5) Chemistry.... :-)

For me, this is the perfect mate. What makes my mate compatible, may not include the same list of things as another individual. You may have different values or needs. Its important, however, to know when you may be asking for too much. Being realistic is not settling if some of items on your list are NOT REALLY critical to your happiness. Don't get carried away. Relationships are all about compromise. The person who meets 90% of your list may not make your happy, after all. The person who meets 75% may be your soul mate and keep you smiling all of your days. More importantly, YOU may not meet someone else's criteria exactly, but they love you. It goes both ways. If you are contemplating a new or current relationship, make a list of things that you feel are "deal-breakers". If the person you are with does not meet any of them, you may want to rethink the course of that relationship. Unrealistic expectations, on the other hand, can keep you from appreciating your partner. If you are out there in the dating world, remember your criteria, but be flexible. Don't expect anyone to meet 100% of the 50 items you think they must have for you to date them. They may have qualities you never even considered and COULD be your perfect mate.

Perspectives

When I was a teenager, I KNEW adults didn't understand anything. When I was ten, I KNEW my dad was invincible. When I was 21, I KNEW I was adult enough to make life-altering decisions. When I was pregnant with my first child, I KNEW parenting would be easier than everyone told me it would be. Its funny how the things YOU KNOW to be true drastically change as you get older. The things you thought you knew inside and out, turn out to be the things you least understood -- because of your perspective. Of course I was wrong about adults, my dad (although I still see him as amazing, but maybe not invincible), and my own maturity, but I didn't know that at the time. Having kids has been one of the hardest and most selfless jobs I have ever had, but has also been so rewarding. 

The funny thing about perspective is that you never truly understand someone's thought process until you are in their shoes and see life through their eyes. People who you assume are your best of friends, may turn out to be a "frien-emy". People who you assume don't understand how you feel, may have experienced your exact situation before (which you may or may not have knowledge of). People who say they are acting in your best interest, may only be promoting their own agenda. In your own perspective, you cannot possibly know where others are coming from.

The thing I learned about perspectives is that EVERYONE has one...and they are sure theirs is the "right" one. But...that depends on who's eyes you are looking through.  Next time you assume you KNOW someone's intentions, think about the old adage...perspective is everything. Most importantly, know that perspectives can change over time, so what you once knew, may not even be true anymore. Maybe you don't KNOW everything you think you do. 

Sometimes You Can't Win

Don't you hate those situations that it seems no matter what choice you make, there will be no positive result? It is a frustrating maze, trying to choose the lesser of two evils (I feel that way every time I vote actually). But, whatever you choose, know that sometimes you can't win -- and there is nothing wrong with it. Accept it. Relish in it. Maybe if you realize you've already lost, a new door will open. At least, that's what I'm hoping for.

I'm no expert, but I do believe in karma. I put good feelings and deeds out into the world, hoping that I will have good things in return. Unfortunately, I am also a realist. I know that you can do all the good possible and still have to deal with difficult or emotionally painful situations. That is life.

In my mind, the secret is knowing that although you can't always "win", that you will not be completely defeated. Know that the small (and big) losses in your life will ultimately pass, and good times will return again. Maybe those losses are there to teach you a lesson that you'll need later. Sometimes you can't win...but wait for the storm to pass. The sun will shine again.

Being Heard

There are a million ways to communicate your ideas to the world. For example, this blog gives me an opportunity to speak about what I want, when I want. Personal conversations, however, are the most common venue for essential communication between family and friends. There are easy things to talk about, like the weather forecast or making dinner plans, and some you'd definitely rather avoid. Unfortunately, those difficult interactions are important to face directly in order to work things out. How do you say what you want to say honestly, yet tactfully to the people you love? 

                          "We need to talk...."

If the conversation really needs to be had, writing down the things that you want to address would be a good first step. Think about your word choice very carefully. Make sure the words are not critical of the person if you need to speak about their behavior (since what a person does and who they are differ). Use as much logic as possible, avoiding emotionally-charged phrases that will only incite an argument. Most importantly (especially when dealing with close friends or family), make sure to let the other person know that you care about them. Don't leave a conversation hanging on a negative note. Instead, try to end things positively (even if that requires a topic change). But, be realistic. You only have power over yourself and the things you say, not how the other person perceives them or what they say. If the other person chooses not to listen and only speaks, you will not be heard. Hopefully, that will not be the case. All you can do is try. 

The Gift of Family

This weekend, I have had the pleasure of spending extra time with my parents and siblings for my father's 60th birthday celebration. My family is amazing. We have all the fun of the inside jokes, "-isms", sarcasm and competitiveness that any other quirky family does, but with an ever-unique "Wohldmann flair". There have been plenty of times that we did not always see eye to eye. We have had our fair share of emotional tug-of-wars and tears, but also LOTS of laughs along the way. Now that we are all older, I think its easier to appreciate our differences in lifestyles and choices -- and just love each other for what we are. This is something I really love about how things are now. Hold close to your family. You may not get to choose them, but there's no replacing them.

No More Fear

As I have stated in previous posts, mistakes have been a big part of my life. Most of the ones I have made are because I allowed things to happen, instead of actively participating in my own life. I thought I had no other choices, didn't think what I wanted mattered, failed to act in a timely manner, or assumed any action I would take would end in failure. It seemed easier to tolerate certain situations, or let someone else make the tough decisions, even if it made me miserable in the end. Lesson learned.

Going along with things in life (especially things that are NOT what you want) only keeps people from respecting you. This makes you a victim by your own design. It is easy to bully someone who never fights back, after all.  I have spent much of my life stuck in this line of thinking. In my mind, if I said the things that I actually thought, did the things I really wanted to, or stood up for myself, the people in my life would stop loving me. I was scared of losing everything (which is totally illogical). The funny thing is -- I have found just the opposite to be true in most cases. The more I take charge of my life, the more the people I love rally in support of my positive changes. It is truly an empowering feeling!

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and love today.

These words hang on a plaque in my kitchen. They are a daily reminder of all of the difficulties I have overcome in my life and those yet to come. I used to avoid doing what was in my heart because of FEAR. Fear of the unknown can be very crippling, but before you give up, it is important to analyze the situation in more logical terms. Instead of letting fear take control, think through the options. What is the best thing that could happen? What is the worst? Most likely, the outcome will fall somewhere in between...or will be something you never even considered.

Currently, I'm facing a situation that I have allowed to have control over a portion of my life for long time. I have decided that I will not sit idly by and let it continue. In order to change things, I must step out of my comfort zone. I know the worst thing that could happen, and it doesn't scare me. I have been through worse;  I will survive this as well. Making the decision to act takes courage. There has to be a time where you can stand up and boldly say," I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!" to whatever situation fear keeps you from tackling. For me, that time is now.