Why Life is like Plants vs. Zombies

      I have a small attachment to a game on my iPod. When most people have to wait (in lines, at the doctor's office, etc.), they check their email or their social media "friends". If I have it with me, I immediately start to play Plants vs Zombies. I have beaten the game multiple times at this point, but I still love playing it. While completing another level on the game recently, I began to feel a little philosophical. The secret to beating the Zombies, who are trying to invade your cranium of its contents, is timing. Life is a little like that too. You have to plant the seeds of the things you want to reap later, or you'll always be going through difficulties (like Zombies eating your brains--or life kicking your butt).
     Looking back to the summer of 2008, I was unemployed, without a car, and living in a pretty tough neighborhood in St. Louis. I was raising my two youngest children full-time. Life was pretty rough there for a while. I was so depressed because my life was not going the direction I had always wanted for myself. I made other choices along the way, and now, I was reaping.  
    I received an email requesting me to call for an over-the-phone interview in September. By the middle of October, I was working full-time again and feeling pretty good! It was a long climb out of financial problems when you are unemployed for a few months. I was so lucky that I lived within my means during that time and my apartment complex/utility companies were willing to work with me. Life is full of small miracles.
     I felt so grateful to have a job, but it was almost as hard as not having one sometimes. I was at my workplace for nine hours, plus a two-hour bus commute in the morning, and another two-hour bus commute in the evening. That means I spent about 13 hours a day away from my kids, which also means paying for evening daycare ($$$). All of my wages went to housing, utilities (we didn't have cable, credit cards, or any luxuries), and child care. The biggest treat for my two kiddos was when we would walk a mile down the street to buy a $1 sundae at McDonalds (when I was off work). I picked up my kids way past dinner time, and when I had to work until 9 p.m., it was closer to midnight since the buses run differently late at night. But, it was a seed. Like my favorite game, you have to plant something to ward off the bad stuff. For me, this seed was bearing through the hard stuff, buckling down, and doing what needed to be done.
   In May of 2009, I moved to Saint Charles and bought a super cheap car ($750) with my tax refund. It was a whole new world to drive my own car after commuting by bus for over three years. I began to regain confidence in myself again. I was doing well at work, but I started to want more.
     In the summer of that same year, I decided to look into going back to school. I have always wanted to be an elementary teacher (I started out in the early childhood arena). The LCIE accelerated program at Lindenwood was a perfect fit for me to begin that fall. I really feel like I blossomed during this experience. I met awesome people, some of which I still hold treasured friendships with, learned how to be a better writer, and honed some of my people skills. I moved to the day program at Lindenwood in August, 2010. I enjoy and learn from my classes. Over two years later, I am months from graduation. The seeds I planted are nearly ready to be harvested. I am about to embark on my dream, all because I timed things out. I thought these decisions through and worked hard nurturing them.
    It is easy to sit through life and let it happen. You can watch others live and blame them for your failures, or you can start planting. It takes baby steps, a few at a time. Or....you can let the Zombies (otherwise known as the bad things in life) eat your brains.

Changing Your Mind

I recently attended a conference where the speaker explained her theory about mindset. She believes there are two kinds and both have a huge impact on the course of your life. At first I sat there thinking that her talk would be boring, and yet another "positive thinking" seminar. But, as I listened closer, I realized that she had to be reading my thoughts at that moment....


The first approach to thinking is called a fixed mindset. In this thought process, an individual has all the answers (right or wrong) and is very rigid on their outlook on most things. They see life as black and white, with a right and a wrong choice paired with every decision we make.  People with fixed mindsets do not see the possibilities in life, instead they see a sequential set of steps that should be attained at a certain age, almost like a checklist for their existence. While people with this line of thinking may seem very steady and reliable, they can also be the most judgmental and difficult. This is especially apparent when they stumble upon people or challenges that do not fit in their little box of a world or have no simple answer.


The second mindset is called a growth mindset. This schema sees life as a fluid and ever-changing path. While you can make plans, you have to be flexible and understand that things may or may not work out they way you started out, but life will continue regardless of the outcome. People with growth mindsets are open to change and actually seek it out. They know that sometimes there is not an easy "right" or "wrong" choice, just different doors to open with a myriad of outcomes on the other side. The focus of their life is to learn, from everyone and everything. These are the people in life that do not fit inside any mold that society mandates. They know that their thinking affects everything they do. They truly live life outside of the box and keep growing and changing each day. 


This workshop had a huge impact on my view, even of the workshop. My thinking that this seminar would be another boring talk about positive affirmations -- that was a fixed mindset. I need to be more open to what anyone, including the speaker in front of me, had to say about things that are around me. It made me think, "How do I approach things in my life...with a fixed or growth mindset?" Well, I can honestly tell you that it depends on the area of my life. But, it also made me realize that needs to change.


Today I learned that is not about thinking "good thoughts", rather it is being open to learning what the world around me has to offer. It is about knowing that there is always a choice in the way you approach it. Having a growth mindset in every area means that you won't expect ideas, people, or events to be any particular way. They just are what they are. You have to realize that the only thing you have a real influence over is your own mind, but that is SO powerful. 

Which one are you???

Be Your Own PR Agent

As a former professional recruiter, I understand how important personal presence is in the job market. If you want a job in broadcasting, for example, it is important to belong to organizations that promote that profession. It is equally important to be active in those organizations in order to network with a large number of people. Your odds will be greater if you know many people and keep those connections alive.

I began taking college classes in 1997, went for a couple of years, then stopped when my second daughter was born. The years flew by and I worked many different jobs in varying industries. In the end, I have found that in EVERY industry, it is who you know that will help you get the job you want. Once you have acquired the skills necessary to qualify for any job, networking is EVERYTHING!

In 2009, I realized that I needed more skills to be in the job I dreamed of. I went back to college and am currently in my last year of my undergraduate degree in education. I am  networking like crazy!!! I started by substitute teaching, which is a great way to meet educators currently in the field. At each school I worked in, I left my business cards and some candy in the teacher's lounge. That little bit of effort paid off right away. 

Since I am a student in education, I am also required to complete many practicum hours (working in a classroom for free to gain experience). Those experiences gave me even more opportunities to market myself and my skills to teachers (and the building principal). This fall, I am lucky enough to be student teaching in a classroom in which I have previously worked. This will be an excellent opportunity to show off my skills and talents with a teacher with whom I already feel comfortable. 

Today, I took treat bags to each of the teachers I worked with this spring. They had a notebook, pencil, a little candy....and of course, MY BUSINESS CARD. Getting people to associate my name and face (which are both on my business card) with all the positive little things I do to market myself will surely land me the job I have always wanted. I will continue with my efforts in the fall since I will be able to substitute until I find a teaching position. 

The lesson here is to BE YOUR OWN PR AGENT! You know what you do best, so market yourself accordingly. 

A Good Mom

A mother's love is truly unmatched by anything in the world. A mother carries you in her womb, feeds you, protects you, and loves you -- before anyone else has even met you. To a good mother, you are special at every age, whether you are happy or sad, obedient or troublesome, quiet or obnoxious.

Personally, I think a good mom is someone who sees their own weaknesses, who sees themselves for who they are, and works on those things that need work. Nobody is perfect, and no matter how hard we try, we're never going to be perfect. We can strive to be the best parent possible, but in the end, that's the best we can do. 

Sixteen years ago today (it's my oldest daughter's birthday), I began my journey as a mother at the age of 18. I have grown older and much wiser since that day. I am proud of my children and love them with my whole heart. That is something that nothing and no one can ever change.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happiness

People and things can make you happy...in the short run. True happiness comes from within. That is a lesson we all have to learn at some point in our lives. You cannot expect the world to "make" you happy -- that is YOUR job. Continually expecting validation from others or looking for material things/activities to fill the void you have within yourself is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. 


How can you be happy with yourself? 
(1) You have to forgive yourself for your past. You don't live there anymore, and neither should your thoughts. 
(2) Keep a list of things you do well or have accomplished recently. Refer to the list often and add to it -- even if the accomplishment seems small. 
(3) Surround yourself with positive thoughts, people and quotes. When you change your thoughts, you change your world. By thinking positively, there's no day that will get the best of you.
(4) Finally, smile. Putting on a smile not only increases your happiness, but has the same effect on others. By putting your best face forward, you will begin to see the positives in your life, instead of always focusing on the negative. 


While these small steps may not change every aspect of your life, they may control your reaction to it, which will make you happier and your struggles much easier to bear.

Where is the Love?

The love of my life :-)

I'm amazed in 2012 that there are still people who will make racist/culturally-biased comments in public places. This was a topic of discussion in a recent college class. The part that bothers me so much is that most comments are based on fear or ignorance. If you don't really know much about a culture/race, who are you to criticize? One thing I have learned is the some things never change. Sadly, people who live with any kind of hate in their heart are missing out on others who may enrich their life in ways they never knew. People they could learn from. People they could love. People are people, regardless of the color of their skin. When everyone in the world understands that, we will be able to live together in harmony. I wonder if that will be in my lifetime...

Goals Aren't Just for Setting

There are a million reasons to set goals for yourself. For me, it provides a destination to work toward. It's easy to set a goal, but not always easy to reach it. Sometimes there may be bumps along the way, but keeping true to your goals (and modifying them if needed) and maintaining momentum to accomplish them is possible. Today, I met one of my goals (from my goals page)...and that is an AMAZING feeling. Meeting one goal motivates me to move forward to accomplish even more. Remember, goals aren't just a list of things to post on your refrigerator. They aren't just for setting. They are for ACCOMPLISHING! Make sure you are doing at least one thing (hopefully more than one) to accomplish your long-term goals...it may be work, but it will be worth it.

The ABC's of Happiness

I agree with all of these... :-) Hope they give you some good ideas for creating your own happiness.

What Happened to Sundays?

I distinctly remember many Sundays when I was a kid... everyone had the day off and families could always get together on that day. All the stores were closed...and people were okay with that. They simply did their shopping and errands on another day. Sundays were reserved for downtime. The practice of keeping businesses closed on Sundays was known here in the States as the "blue laws." Sadly, somewhere along the line, Sundays became just another day for our capitalistic country to make money. Most stores and services today (except banks, schools, and government offices) have SOME hours on Sunday. Now getting together with family is more difficult because there is always someone who works on Sunday.

Maybe our country would be a better place if we took some of the lessons of the past and put them into action today. Everyone deserves a day with their family, friends, and loved ones. Everyone deserves a day reserved for downtime. I'm all for bringing them back. I realize this may inconvenience a lot of people, but hear me out. I believe the benefits of reinstating "closed on Sundays" would be beneficial to us all. 

1. Reduced Sunday Traffic

How peaceful it would be if stores were closed on Sunday again. No one hitting the roads early for those early morning specials. There might also be less obnoxious advertising in the Sunday papers.

2. More Time to Spend With, Not Spend On

Before the repeal of the blue laws, people would attend religious services, then share a meal with family and/or friends. Without a place to go to needlessly spend their money, people might actually rekindle more productive activities and get a life towards the end of the weekend. 

3. A Break for Service People

Take it from someone who worked in the retail/restaurant for several years - anyone working a service job deserves a guaranteed day off each week. Hotels are open 24/7, but retail workers should get a break like the rest of us.

Of course, the downside to bringing back the blue laws is that the stores and roads will suddenly be flooded with even more people during the work week and on Saturdays. In my opinion, that's a small price to pay for one day of mandatory sanity every seven days. 

The Right Thing

I don't think anyone sits down to weigh their options on an important decision and thinks, "I'll just do the wrong thing." I firmly believe that most people want and choose to do what is good and right if it is in their ability. The hard part isn't in making the choice as much as figuring out WHAT the right thing actually is. It is not always clear. What makes it even more complicated is when there is no ideal solution to a problem -- just the lesser of two evils. What should you do then?

Instead of making decisions based on right and wrong, many people do what looks good to others. In fact, most politicians live out their entire political careers doing this very thing. When I log onto social networking sites, I see many people showing only certain aspects of their life -- because they care more about what their life looks like to others than how it is for themselves or their families. I have learned that looking good is not always doing good, and certainly does not always leave you feeling good.


If you have really thought out a decision in your life and feel it is the best one for you, don't feel the need to justify yourself to anyone. Your life is yours, including all the choices and consequences. If you feel strongly about something, make choices that reflect that and don't allow anyone to criticize them. Stand firm in your ability to do the right thing for yourself and your family.

Things I Believe In

Lately I've been noticing many articles telling readers what to think or stand for on a variety of topics (you gotta love an election year). I don't have any inclination to repeat that nonsense, but here are a few things that I believe. Take it for what it's worth.

• I believe that people can change and grow if they choose to. It starts with making different and sometimes scary choices to make your life better. The best way isn't always the easiest way, but the work is worth it.
• I believe that you have to let go of people in your life that do not believe in, or truly care, about you. That doesn't mean you drop everyone that thinks differently than you. Instead, make a conscious choice to surround yourself with the people in life who lift you up, not bring you down.
• I believe that people grow and mature at a wide spectrum of rates. Some children grow into responsible teens and adults early in their 20s. They make the good choices and have an early payoff in life as a result. Others make make many, many mistakes along the way. It takes longer for those people to learn their lesson. They learn the hard way, but are stronger because of it. I also believe there are people never grow up. They are trapped in the glory days of their youth or the angst of it. Sometimes they never leave their childhood home.
• I believe that you can't take it with you. Even if you could, would you want to? Life is better when you are happy with what you have. Accumulating things just makes life more complicated. Keep it simple.
• I believe that the world would be a better place if everyone on the planet reached out in kindness to another person at least once a day.  I try to do something nice for at least one person each day. It is an amazing feeling to be the reason for someone's smile. 
• I believe in trying your hardest in the things you do with your time. Time is so precious -- why waste it doing things halfway? Whether you are working, in school, volunteering, or doing anything...give your best efforts. Knowing you gave your all makes success even sweeter.
• I believe all relationships take effort to maintain. Checking their social networking status or comments is not enough. Nurture your connection with your family and friends, especially through gathering together in person or talking on the phone. This brings more joy than any text ever could. 

St. Bubba Day

Happy St. Bubba Day!!! 

Summer 2003

My daughter, Katelyn, ADORES her brother, Patrick. When he was a baby, she never left his side -- except for naptime. But the word "Patrick" was impossible for her to say then. At barely one, she couldn't even say "baby" coherently yet. What she could say resembled "bubby", which stuck as Patrick's nickname for a couple years. 

St. Bubba Day 2012 (with a special card from Katelyn)

When he turned two or so, it evolved to "bubba". His plump, little cheeks framed the cutest smile on the planet. Once he started kindergarten, he adamantly wanted to be called Patrick from then on. Patrick loves having two special days every year: his birthday and "St. Bubba Day", which we still call it. I love having unique traditions in our family. I hope we always remember the stories behind them. 

To Do Lists

I am a list maker. Of the many lists in the back of my planner, some help me remember projects I want to do around the house, others list books or websites I want to check out. I love my lists, but I love checking things off of them even more. Keeping a master list of things you want to accomplish can organize your life. I know it does not work that way for everyone, but having some kind of method to the madness is a good start to taking control of your life and choices you make with your time. 


Make a list of all the things you want to do this week. Post it on the refrigerator or other place you see regularly. If you love technology, for example, there are free services that keep your lists online so you have access to them wherever you go! See if one of these methods makes you more mindful of those tasks. If so, you may want to do it regularly. For me, lists make my life easier. Hopefully, I can help you do the same!

Choices

The missing fence (about 15 feet wide)

This week I've been very privileged to be doggie-sitting for Avery, my brother and his fiancee's (he asked her on their trip :-) dog. She is an awesome dog and I LOVE having her here. It did remind me, however, of a little incomplete project in the backyard. Part of the fence is missing, so I cannot let her out in the yard to run and play like I want. To repair the fence properly, we priced the items at a minimum of $150. Well, we can't do THAT right now. So what's the alternative? Well, I found some security fencing for $30, but I'm not sure if it would keep her safe. Choices...choices....

One of the choices...isn't it AWESOME??

I came upon this picture in Pinterest (yes, its very addictive if you love making things). I really like the look of this and it is not very expensive (still going to be around $75). I'm not really sure what to choose.

Life is so full of options sometimes that you don't know which way to go. One way seems like a good idea, especially when its the easy route, but that is not always the BEST choice. I'm going to mull this over for a few days, since its already too late to fix it for this visit. For now, I'm just going to continue to take Avery on LOTS of walks to keep her entertained.

One-Way Relationships

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of relationship is, "the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or in the state of being connected". With this definition in mind, there is no such thing as a one-way relationship. In order for it to even BE a relationship, there must be two or more people connected. If there is no effort from two parties, it is nothing. This meaning impacts all types of relationships: ones with familiy, friends, lovers, co-workers, and acquaintances. No one person can keep giving and giving; getting no love or friendship in return will leave you empty. It takes two to cultivate a connection over time. 


Think about all the relationships in your life and evaluate whether they are two-way. Are you doing your part, or just expecting the other person to do all the work? Are you giving in a relationship, but never receiving what you need? If either of these apply, adjustments must be considered. You know deep down inside if you are in a mutually caring, respectful relationship. You know when you are by the way this person makes you feel when you interact with them (in person, on the phone, online, etc.). Use your feelings to determine whether you are happy most of the time around that person or if feelings of anxiety, fear, distrust arise every time you think about them. Talk to you that person and let them know how you feel. After all, there can be no good relationship that is one-way.

Change

Change is the only thing in this life you can truly count on. Whenever you really get settled into a groove, a change is bound to happen soon. The experiences we have in life can change everything, whether you want them to or not. Over the last year, I have felt like things are really changing in my life. After our home was flooded last June, my perspective changed. Then, when my grandma passed away last November, it changed again. The lessons I learned through these two experiences transformed my thinking and priorities like never before. I have new insight on myself and what I want for my family in the future. I will never be the exactly same person again...I'm changed.

Forgiveness

There are times in our lives when we become hurt, disappointed, or irritated by people around us (some we love, others are perfect strangers). I know my feelings have been hurt before and I know I have hurt others as well. One of the things I have learned over the last couple of years, however, is that forgiveness of yourself and others brings inner peace. Holding grudges against people does not do that. In fact, when you keep pain or anger inside, it only hurts yourself. Don't get me wrong -- you are allowed to feel hurt when someone inflicts it -- but sometimes you just need to learn to let go.

When people repeatedly hurt you, it is especially important to forgive them for a few reasons. One, so you can move on. Two, so that they know you have forgiven them. This act of forgiveness does not mean that you have to continue allowing them to hurt you though. Occasionally, you have to eliminate people from your life that cause repeated pain (especially if they have a pattern of this behavior over many years). You should forgive them, but you do not have to continue to allow them to affect you or have a place in your life. Although breaking ties with people can be hurtful, sometimes it is simply necessary.

Letting go of your pain and anger can give you freedom to focus on positive growth in other areas of your life. Forgive people freely of their mistakes to a point, but don't let perpetually negative/hurtful people participate in your journey -- you deserve better.

Born in the Wrong Era

I was born in the wrong era. Unlike many women of today, I wish I would have been an adult in the 1940s or 1950s. Nothing would have made me happier than to take care of my home and family -- and that be my defining role. The "June Cleaver" way would have suited me just fine. Life is so much more complicated than it was back then. I enjoy and crave simplicity on a daily basis. Women today have so much more juggling than at that time. Now we are supposed to be incredible moms, devoted wives, room mothers at our childrens' school, well-educated, and driven workers. So many hats to wear, so little time. Most women take on too much and are strung out trying to fulfill all these roles. 

One of the reasons I wish we could all go back to the past is because families were more cohesive in that time also. Since each person in the family had a place (dads worked, mothers stayed home and took on the main responsibility of children and home, and kids just had to be kids), there was a level of consistency and comfort that was present in society. There were fewer divorces and single-parent households. People lived within their means. The simple life with a few creature comforts made most people happy. I love that idea.

Taking a Deep Breath...

When things seem overwhelming, it can be exhausting, especially when it feels like every part of your life has "something" that needs your attention. Personally, I have been going through some big changes in the last year, some for the better...and some that were just change. One thing that I have found very helpful (thanks honey), is talking out my thoughts to my best friend, who also happens to be the man I love. He keeps me grounded in so many ways and gives me another perspective on some of our day-to-day problems.

Since I tend to be a reactor, he recently gave me the advice to just let a few things simmer for awhile. To NOT make any decisions and avoid responding to any negativity that is lingering in parts of my life. Just take a deep breath...and live. This week, I have been focusing on doing just that. I gave myself permission to focus on some things and put some others on the back burner. Don't get me wrong -- I am not avoiding important issues that must be dealt with -- and I definitely haven't forgot about them. But, I'm thinking more clearly and found my smile again this week after having a few days to reflect...and just breathe.

Everyone Needs Quiet Days

My First Love

Music is a common language that breaks down every kind of boundary. I have never known ANYONE who does not like some kind of music. Music connects us. If you are having a hard time finding a place to start with a person...begin with music. Its our universal common ground. I am not a music lover...I am a music ADDICT! Nothing can change my mood faster than some of my favorite songs. It is truly my first love.

I remember dancing around the house with my sisters, blasting the music as loud as possible when my mom was at work. On the way home from weekends at my dad's, we would listen to the "Oldies Show" on the radio. I loved (and still love) listening to my dad sing. I fell in love with singing in front of people when I started singing in church as a child...then again on the high school stage. Music has made me smile, laugh, cry, think, and act. There are a million moments of my life that certain songs bring me back to. Music and I have a love that will never be broken.

The Perfect Mate

When I was a little girl, I had a laundry list of things I wanted my future husband to be. He needed to be rich, handsome, a good father and husband... my very own Prince Charming to come sweep me off my feet. I wanted a love story with a fairy-tale ending. As I became a young woman, my list grew even more to include things like honest, artistic, musical, a good communicator, sensitive, tall, liked to travel, enjoyed the outdoors, nurturing, helped around the house, and a whole host of other "must-have" qualities..... (WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?) Now that I am older, my list is actually getting shorter. I am beyond all those material and physical things that I thought made the "perfect" man and relationship. I have realized that some of the things I thought I wanted really don't matter.

Here is my short list today:

1) Loving/giving to me and my children.

2) Responsible/Trustworthy.

3) Committed.

4) Able to have a two-way, productive conversation.

5) Chemistry.... :-)

For me, this is the perfect mate. What makes my mate compatible, may not include the same list of things as another individual. You may have different values or needs. Its important, however, to know when you may be asking for too much. Being realistic is not settling if some of items on your list are NOT REALLY critical to your happiness. Don't get carried away. Relationships are all about compromise. The person who meets 90% of your list may not make your happy, after all. The person who meets 75% may be your soul mate and keep you smiling all of your days. More importantly, YOU may not meet someone else's criteria exactly, but they love you. It goes both ways. If you are contemplating a new or current relationship, make a list of things that you feel are "deal-breakers". If the person you are with does not meet any of them, you may want to rethink the course of that relationship. Unrealistic expectations, on the other hand, can keep you from appreciating your partner. If you are out there in the dating world, remember your criteria, but be flexible. Don't expect anyone to meet 100% of the 50 items you think they must have for you to date them. They may have qualities you never even considered and COULD be your perfect mate.

Perspectives

When I was a teenager, I KNEW adults didn't understand anything. When I was ten, I KNEW my dad was invincible. When I was 21, I KNEW I was adult enough to make life-altering decisions. When I was pregnant with my first child, I KNEW parenting would be easier than everyone told me it would be. Its funny how the things YOU KNOW to be true drastically change as you get older. The things you thought you knew inside and out, turn out to be the things you least understood -- because of your perspective. Of course I was wrong about adults, my dad (although I still see him as amazing, but maybe not invincible), and my own maturity, but I didn't know that at the time. Having kids has been one of the hardest and most selfless jobs I have ever had, but has also been so rewarding. 

The funny thing about perspective is that you never truly understand someone's thought process until you are in their shoes and see life through their eyes. People who you assume are your best of friends, may turn out to be a "frien-emy". People who you assume don't understand how you feel, may have experienced your exact situation before (which you may or may not have knowledge of). People who say they are acting in your best interest, may only be promoting their own agenda. In your own perspective, you cannot possibly know where others are coming from.

The thing I learned about perspectives is that EVERYONE has one...and they are sure theirs is the "right" one. But...that depends on who's eyes you are looking through.  Next time you assume you KNOW someone's intentions, think about the old adage...perspective is everything. Most importantly, know that perspectives can change over time, so what you once knew, may not even be true anymore. Maybe you don't KNOW everything you think you do. 

Sometimes You Can't Win

Don't you hate those situations that it seems no matter what choice you make, there will be no positive result? It is a frustrating maze, trying to choose the lesser of two evils (I feel that way every time I vote actually). But, whatever you choose, know that sometimes you can't win -- and there is nothing wrong with it. Accept it. Relish in it. Maybe if you realize you've already lost, a new door will open. At least, that's what I'm hoping for.

I'm no expert, but I do believe in karma. I put good feelings and deeds out into the world, hoping that I will have good things in return. Unfortunately, I am also a realist. I know that you can do all the good possible and still have to deal with difficult or emotionally painful situations. That is life.

In my mind, the secret is knowing that although you can't always "win", that you will not be completely defeated. Know that the small (and big) losses in your life will ultimately pass, and good times will return again. Maybe those losses are there to teach you a lesson that you'll need later. Sometimes you can't win...but wait for the storm to pass. The sun will shine again.

Being Heard

There are a million ways to communicate your ideas to the world. For example, this blog gives me an opportunity to speak about what I want, when I want. Personal conversations, however, are the most common venue for essential communication between family and friends. There are easy things to talk about, like the weather forecast or making dinner plans, and some you'd definitely rather avoid. Unfortunately, those difficult interactions are important to face directly in order to work things out. How do you say what you want to say honestly, yet tactfully to the people you love? 

                          "We need to talk...."

If the conversation really needs to be had, writing down the things that you want to address would be a good first step. Think about your word choice very carefully. Make sure the words are not critical of the person if you need to speak about their behavior (since what a person does and who they are differ). Use as much logic as possible, avoiding emotionally-charged phrases that will only incite an argument. Most importantly (especially when dealing with close friends or family), make sure to let the other person know that you care about them. Don't leave a conversation hanging on a negative note. Instead, try to end things positively (even if that requires a topic change). But, be realistic. You only have power over yourself and the things you say, not how the other person perceives them or what they say. If the other person chooses not to listen and only speaks, you will not be heard. Hopefully, that will not be the case. All you can do is try. 

The Gift of Family

This weekend, I have had the pleasure of spending extra time with my parents and siblings for my father's 60th birthday celebration. My family is amazing. We have all the fun of the inside jokes, "-isms", sarcasm and competitiveness that any other quirky family does, but with an ever-unique "Wohldmann flair". There have been plenty of times that we did not always see eye to eye. We have had our fair share of emotional tug-of-wars and tears, but also LOTS of laughs along the way. Now that we are all older, I think its easier to appreciate our differences in lifestyles and choices -- and just love each other for what we are. This is something I really love about how things are now. Hold close to your family. You may not get to choose them, but there's no replacing them.

No More Fear

As I have stated in previous posts, mistakes have been a big part of my life. Most of the ones I have made are because I allowed things to happen, instead of actively participating in my own life. I thought I had no other choices, didn't think what I wanted mattered, failed to act in a timely manner, or assumed any action I would take would end in failure. It seemed easier to tolerate certain situations, or let someone else make the tough decisions, even if it made me miserable in the end. Lesson learned.

Going along with things in life (especially things that are NOT what you want) only keeps people from respecting you. This makes you a victim by your own design. It is easy to bully someone who never fights back, after all.  I have spent much of my life stuck in this line of thinking. In my mind, if I said the things that I actually thought, did the things I really wanted to, or stood up for myself, the people in my life would stop loving me. I was scared of losing everything (which is totally illogical). The funny thing is -- I have found just the opposite to be true in most cases. The more I take charge of my life, the more the people I love rally in support of my positive changes. It is truly an empowering feeling!

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and love today.

These words hang on a plaque in my kitchen. They are a daily reminder of all of the difficulties I have overcome in my life and those yet to come. I used to avoid doing what was in my heart because of FEAR. Fear of the unknown can be very crippling, but before you give up, it is important to analyze the situation in more logical terms. Instead of letting fear take control, think through the options. What is the best thing that could happen? What is the worst? Most likely, the outcome will fall somewhere in between...or will be something you never even considered.

Currently, I'm facing a situation that I have allowed to have control over a portion of my life for long time. I have decided that I will not sit idly by and let it continue. In order to change things, I must step out of my comfort zone. I know the worst thing that could happen, and it doesn't scare me. I have been through worse;  I will survive this as well. Making the decision to act takes courage. There has to be a time where you can stand up and boldly say," I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!" to whatever situation fear keeps you from tackling. For me, that time is now. 

State of the Union

Today, President Obama gears up for the "State of the Union" address, an annual speech that tells about the accomplishments and goals for the future of our country. In thinking about this speech, I'm sure the President will attempt to address some of our largest concerns (employment, education, energy, and the economy - funny that they all start with an "e"). I read somewhere that the public, for the first time in over 15 years, people care more about domestic policy than what happens abroad (a trend I see continuing into the future). People are more focused on the direction of our country and how it affects their personal lives and the things they want for their families. Much of the power for changing those things, however, does not come from legislative action. It comes from within, by making personal changes and choices that will lead us to stronger families and happier lives.

New Year's resolutions should be in full swing for most of us, so it seems a good time to be thinking about our personal "State of the Union". How are you achieving personal success in the areas most important in your own life? Do you need to find another job? Are you interested in going back to school? Do you need to change the direction of any of your relationships? Do you want to get healthier? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO GET THERE?

Now that the holidays have passed, many people forget about the important goals they set for themselves earlier this month. Now is the time to get real with yourself. Write down the goals that you are realistic about. Post them somewhere you will see them often. Break down those goals into smaller "baby steps". Make an appointment to follow up in another month (I write it down on my calendar) to stay on track. If you truly want to be in a different place by the time 2012 ends, keeping your goals in the forefront of your mind is key.

Lies and Liars

No one likes to be lied to, yet we have all lied at some point or another. My deceased step-father, who was a self-proclaimed minister, lied to people all the time. Little "white" lies in his opinion, but aren't all lies still lies? And aren't all people who tell lies considered liars? There are so many motivations to tell lies: to conceal things, to avoid embarrassment, to make someone artificially happy, to escape blame... the list goes on and on. Some lies are told without even lying (called omissions), but if it leads someone to believe something that is NOT true, it is still a lie. One lie turns into another and another, then turns into three more.  I'm sure I am not alone in having gone down that path in my younger days.

I am not going to give any moral or religious reasoning to explain why lying is wrong or bad. I wish life was always black and white, making honesty easy in all situations. I wish I could say I would never, ever lie again. But, that is not reality. I'm sure I will eat food I don't like, but consume it happily and thank the cook for an excellent meal. I know I will call into work sick someday when I just need a day for rest and relaxation. I know I will say 'I'm fine' to a friend who asks, when I'm not. These are all lies that I will likely continue saying or doing without much thought.

The flip side is the individual who lives in a separate reality because they have lost track of their many lies. I have known friends and family members like that in my lifetime. They consistently double-talk themselves because they don't even remember what they said yesterday. Unfortunately for those of us, like myself, who have a really good memories, their falsehoods show through with distinct clarity. In my mind, these kind of people are so worried about what others think, they get caught in a spiral of deceit and don't know how to escape. They believe no one will care about them once they are found out. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. It probably depends on what they lied about.

So here's what I can say (since I can only control myself, not others)...I'm making more effort than ever in MY life to be as forthcoming and honest with people as possible. Not necessarily for the ethical implications involved...but be cause it just makes life WAY easier. I don't have to struggle to recall what I said three months ago to someone, because the truth is easy to remember. I would rather avoid a situation altogether than have to figure out how to make up a lie about it. I simply don't have the time or energy to do that sort of thing, nor do I care to foster friendships with people who do. I will continue to lead my life with as much integrity as possible, while being completely realistic about everything. I will make every effort to tell you the truth, and hope you will see the benefit of doing the same -- even if its just to make our already complicated lives a little simpler.

What Do I Know?

I am sure many people who have read this blog have thought, "What the hell does she know? She's no expert!" My response is that I agree with them whole-heartedly. I am no expert in love, life, kids, or the world in general, but I have had many experiences. In my mere 34 years on the planet, I have worn some pretty interesting hats. I have been a little sister and the big sister. I have been a teen mom and a military wife. I have lived in both rural and urban areas. I have moved to places where I knew no one and had to start from scratch. I have had to rebuild my life after a disaster. I have been married and divorced more than once. I have been the child of a divorced/blended family, and now, I am the adult with children in a blended family. I have been a leader and a follower. I know what it feels like to be the custodial and noncustodial parent. I have been homeless after a foreclosure. I have helped raise and love children that were not my own. I have worked in 8 completely different industries, been on unemployment and received welfare. I have had good credit and declared bankruptcy. My life's resume has been one of varied and dynamic experiences. I have made my own path, and that has taken me many places.


The point of this blog is to share my experiences and lessons, in hopes of several outcomes:

1. First, I want the people who know me... to really KNOW me. After the death of my grandmother last year, I realized that you can know someone your whole life superficially. I thought I knew my grandma, but I really didn't. I did not have heartfelt talks about her experiences. I knew the general timeline of her life, but only the one I pieced together through the years. Maybe those missed moments would have made an impact on my life. Maybe they wouldn't have. Regardless, I don't want to go the rest of my life with people only knowing me on the surface. There's much more to me than that. 
2. I hope that my words will be an encouragement. Sometimes people just need to know that wherever they are in their journey, they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings. I have been touched deeply by others' words in my own life, through conversations, music, letters, emails, books, texts, and other blogs. There have been times that those words were a lifeboat for me. I hope that I can do the same for another. 
3. The third outcome I am striving for is to continue to grow and learn as a person. I have received several messages and emails from people regarding their life experiences since starting this blog. I love people in general, from the old man I spoke to at the breakfast counter yesterday to the lady having trouble carrying two kids and groceries I met a few months ago. The encounters and conversations I am lucky enough to have in my life have made me who I am. I never want that to change. 
4. I hope that my choices, will lead someone to make positive change in their life. I have learned many lessons the hard way. Maybe if I tell you about my epic failures in life, you will know what not to do. Maybe if I tell you some good things too, it will give you a good example to follow. 

If my sharing makes a single person really stop and reflect on anything -- than it is a wild success to me. I truly appreciate anyone taking a moment out of their day to read this, and hope you will continue to think it worth your time.

Sometimes Love is Not Enough

I fell in love when I was just a kid in high school, still full of dreams of my own happily ever after. I believed that love alone would carry us through every problem and circumstance. I married my first love less than a year after graduation. Little did I know that we were both in the midst of life-altering changes. For him, it was the beginning of his career with the U.S. Air Force. For me, I was preparing for the birth of our first child. During our time apart (while he was in basic training and technical school), we wrote to each other nearly every day. There was no denying that we loved each other. But sometimes time apart makes people grow apart, even if it is only a little in the beginning.

Shortly after our daughter was born, we relocated to Omaha, Nebraska and lived in military housing. MORE BIG CHANGES. They don't tell you that when your spouse joins the military, you might as well have signed up too. Here I was, spending most of the day learning how to take care of a child and live up the expectation of a dutiful military wife and mother. I didn't even know how to be an adult yet, let alone live up to that! But, I did everything I could. The rules we had to live by seemed endless, especially for two 18-year-olds, but we tried to make it work because we loved each other. 

A couple years of later, our relationship began to feel less like a marriage and more like roommates in passing. He was working one shift, while I was working another. More and more problems kept coming our way. Instead of talking through them, we ignored or argued about them. We were less often on the same page about the big issues in our life. In the end, our marriage failed for a million reasons. Not because we didn't love each other, but because we didn't communicate effectively or continuously work at our relationship. The little problems that went without repair soon became the elephant in the room. We didn't have the same goals or values anymore. We were kids trying to play house without the adult tools necessary to tackle the big stuff of life. We had started down different paths early on, and once that happens, there's no turning back. It's easy to see that now.

Love requires continuous work. You cannot expect that once you "fall in love" -- that's it, no more work. It takes effort. You have to be willing to give and take in all the responsibilities there are, from the most important (like raising children) to the silly or mundane (like taking out the trash). You have to brainstorm how to overcome issues as they arise. You have to really tune into your mate and HEAR what they are saying, but also what they are NOT saying. You have to be honest and open (sometimes the biggest lies are those of omission), but you also have to have a sense of humor about life, because it will not always be easy. You have to love your mate with all your heart, but also truly like them too. You have to be willing to make sacrifices when its necessary. You cannot always have your way, and neither can the other person. It takes partnership of epic proportions, which is why so many relationships come to an end. I was truly fortunate to have found love again a few years ago, but I see things very differently than I did at 16. Sometimes love is simply NOT enough...it takes WAY more than that to develop a long-lasting, happy relationship.

We are ALL the Same Race...

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools." 

~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

We are all the same race...HUMAN. Despite the color of your skin, the basic DNA make-up of your body is the same as every other human in existence.  We are all born, have a life journey, and die. We all want our lives to MEAN something. We all want to be loved and accepted. We all require the same fundamental necessities for survival (air, water, food, and shelter). Despite our similarities, however, there continue to be many turbulent societal issues dealing with race. When one barrier is broken, two more seem to be created.


In reality, it all boils down to respect, something we each deserve from the first cry we make as newborns. We may eat different foods, wear different clothes, have varying beliefs, etc., but that does not make ANY one person better than another. Instead of focusing on what makes us different, we should respect what makes us all the same. It is that simple. 


There are good and bad people of every race, creed, gender, sexual orientation, educational level, religion, political belief, and economic status...that is a FACT.  I choose to befriend good people, regardless of their labels, and I'm teaching my children to do the same. I want them to know there is something that can be learned from every person they meet (even if that lesson is what NOT to do). Maybe I am a dreamer, but I will always believe there is more good in this world than bad, regardless of what the media wants us to think. In the end, we are all interconnected and must all learn to work and live together for the mutual happiness of our common race...humanity.

Superwoman?

Every time someone calls me "superwoman", I have to laugh a little. Yes, I have many responsibilities, but doesn't everyone? One of the questions asked most often of me is how I get everything done. The answer is I DON'T. My house is not perfectly immaculate. My laundry isn't always done. My children don't always eat a 4-course meal for dinner. I allow myself the luxury of imperfection so I can focus on bigger goals for that day. I know I can't do EVERYTHING, and that is okay. Instead, I do what I can.

One way that I set myself up for success by "eating the frog", which means I don't avoid difficult or tedious tasks. When something really needs to be done, I don't make excuses -- I just do it. Sure, there are more enjoyable ways to spend my time than writing that 10-page paper or working with my kids on their multiplication tables or cleaning out the refrigerator, but sometimes those are the things need to be done. Procrastination causes unnecessary stress. Getting important things done makes my life easier in the long run.

I also keep track of when I need to do things. I have an old-fashioned paper planner that I write everything down in. Due dates for bills, kids' activities, work schedules, and even assignments that I need to do are always close at hand. When I have a big task (like that 10-page paper), I break it down into smaller chunks, spread out over a few weeks. It makes that seemingly difficult task much more manageable, and the finished product is better because I did not feel crazed at 2:00 am trying to crank out last-minute quality.

A little bit of organization goes a long way. Allowing yourself some room for imperfection (yes, it is okay if there are dishes in the sink) takes some of the stress off the table. Then, you can focus on doing the things that are most important (which may be reading a story to your child before bedtime instead of doing those dishes). Take one day at a time and EAT THE FROG!

Regret

No one is perfect. We have all said or done something that we wish we could change. I know I have. You could spend your whole life wishing that you had another chance to relive that one moment that changed everything. For a long time, that's all I thought about. I continuously beat myself up for making quick, thoughtless choices or speaking words that ultimately hurt myself or the people around me. As the consequences of those choices set in, it is easy to fall into a downward spiral of self-loathing, depression, and doubt about the future. I've been there too. Rock bottom is a scary place for anyone, but I am a living, breathing example that things can get better if you really want them to be. I have hit that bottom two times in my life, and now realize what I was doing wrong. I blamed others for the things going wrong in my life. Instead of making any changes for the better, I wallowed in self-pity and depression, hoping things would get better on their own. BUT THEY DON'T.

Everyone makes mistakes, but you can't beat yourself up forever. No one is without their faults, which is what makes us human. In order to move on, you have to forgive yourself for the regretful things you have said and the bad choices you have made. That is the most important beginning step.  Next, begin to repair the relationships with the people who you care about most. Everyone needs a support system in this life. You can't do everything alone. Finally, you have to decide what you really want and make a plan. Think of all the things you need to get to there. For me, I wanted to be a teacher my entire life. So, I made the conscious decision to go back to school and achieve that dream. It is not always easy, but I am committed to doing this one thing for myself. I didn't jump in with both feet, but made small, calculated steps to get me closer to my goal.

Regrets only trap you if you let them decide the course of the rest of your life. Making lasting changes (starting small) is the only way to change those bad words and choices into the life you can smile about.

Being Connected

Everywhere you look, people are constantly connected: texting while driving, scanning social media sites while eating, and even reading e-books as a bedtime ritual. While I believe technology is an incredible tool, there is such thing as excess. While sitting with my kids last night in a local restaurant, I noticed something crazy. There were about 25-30 people in the restaurant, however, we were the only ones actually talking. Nearly everyone else in the restaurant was on a cell phone, tablet or computer. The one person who was not holding one of these had the world on mute while listening to his Mp3 player. The thought that people will go out to eat together and not even speak bothers me. What happened to the art of conversation? Will future generations even understand how to sit down and speak about their day over a meal?

As a mom and future educator, I cannot express enough how important it is to be smart about the use of technology. Although there is a definite place for the Internet (and all its spoils) in our lives, there should still be some time in the day where families, couples, and friends can connect without being "connected". There is more to life than technology - there's LIFE. While there are a million apps to manage time, money and things, there will never be one that makes a relationship better.

"Drama-Free" Living

At least once a day, I hear about someone deciding to live "drama-free". Its a funny term really. Our lives are so full of drama: between social networking, relationships, news, texting, television programs, YouTube...there are so many ways we can get completely lost in it. Is there a way to live drama-free? Not really. Since you only have control over yourself and no one around you, the notion is impossible unless you plan on becoming a hermit. BUT, there is still a solution. Decide how YOU will respond to the turmoil. If you decide NOT to let it rule your life, it won't. Simple as that. When things are getting too complicated, take a step away. Turn off the TV, computer, or cell phone and focus on your immediate family (the people you live with daily). If they are the problem, then deal with those issues PRIVATELY - not through other venues which only create a bigger problem for yourself and create drama for others. Taking control of your own life is the best way to create the peace we all crave.

In the Heat of the Moment

All of all choices, both big and small, alter the course of our lives on a daily basis. Unfortunately, many of life's important decisions are made in haste. Anger, fear, or even positive anticipation can cloud reason and judgement. Those are the moments where regretful mistakes can be made. So how do you avoid making decisions based on emotion? Give it a moment. Decide not to decide anything monumental until you've had at least 24 hours (sometimes longer is definitely needed) before proceeding. This could help in many aspects of life: love, money, work, friendships, time management, etc.

Write down the decision that is pressing you. Whether its a large purchase, a career move or having an important talk with a loved one....make sure that you really THINK about it before you act. Make a rule to tell people who want you to make a decision now...that you need to think about it. Then you can look at the situation objectively, when the emotions have subsided and you can see if this decision is in line with your personal goals and values. Making thoughtful decisions about what you want and how you spend your time will keep regret in check.

Getting Out

Sometimes all you need in life in a different perspective to overcome obstacles. Can you do that continuously cooped up in your house? In my opinion, you need to get out and experience life and culture all around you as much as possible. It is possible on a very limited budget. In our city for example, there are dozens of museums and festivals that are free to public throughout the year. Beyond that, there are other opportunities even closer to home. Visit the library or local bookstore to sit and read. Relax with a cup of tea at your local coffee shop. Walk around a local park. Ride on local transportation for a few hours and explore areas of your city that you've never seen. There are thousands of ways to get some time to yourself or be around others. This always provides a different perspective.

Nurturing Relationships

Last year was one of many changes for myself and my family.  http://www.fox2now.com/videobeta/365b4ae4-ac96-448d-a436-ce6abf1349d2/News/St-Charles-residents-cleaning-up-flash-flood-damage (See me in the Illinois t-shirt on the broadcast). After our rental home was flooded, we spend weeks utterly displaced before finally finding a new place to live. During this time, many of our family and friends came out of the woodwork to help us. Needless to say, we made it through and are all relieved to finally have some normalcy back in our lives (though it took many hard months to get here). 

Because of the struggles we faced last year, I realized how little time I spent regularly with many of my friends and family. We all get busy in the day-to-day mundane details of our own life that we rarely find time to nurture those outside relationships that also make life worth living. Communication with the support system of people we love can become reduced to Facebook wall posts, occasional phone calls, or visits on holidays or special occasions. That is no real relationship. One of my personal goals for the new year is to dedicate more time and energy to making sure the people I care about KNOW that I care. This can't be done through mere words. It takes action. So each week of this year, I am going to focus on one person in my life at a time, giving back in some way to those who are near and dear to my heart.

I can't wait to see how dedicating time to nurturing the relationships in my own life changes everything.

The Cans and Can'ts of Motherhood

It seems like I have spent most (almost half) of my life as a dedicated mother. This requires many sacrifices of personal choice. I cannot decide to go on a spontaneous trip to a far-away land. I cannot live anywhere I want because I always have to make sure that a good local school is nearby. I cannot even cook whatever I want to have for dinner each night (unless I want World War III at the dinner table). While there are a long list of "can'ts", there are so many things I would never have experienced without the joy of motherhood. For example, I have learned to do many things more efficiently because of having a crying toddler waiting. I can pack the best suitcase or bag for trips because I know what items I need in a pinch when we are away from home. I can prepare a meal that all seven of the people in my family can enjoy (and that's no small feat).

While there are many "cans" and "can'ts" of motherhood, I don't believe I would grown to be the patient, loving, and diplomatic person I am today without experiencing the joys and pains of parenthood. I wouldn't change my life for anything.